OK. Let’s just get this out of the way right now: I HATE PvP!

Yes, I realize that making this acknowledgment is akin to screaming at the top of your lungs, “I’m a giant pussy!” But I just don’t “get” PvP. It’s not fun for me. I simply have no desire to beat up other people and take their lunch money. I’d rather decorate my in-game house.

So what was I doing playing Darkfall, an MMO that hubristically bills itself as “THE player versus player” game? Who the hell knows? I’m easily lured by pretty in-game screen caps.

Here’s a short quiz for you: Did you bully the other kids on the playground in 5th grade? Do you secretly wish you could beat up people in the grocery store and steal their Twinkies? Do you enjoy painfully unintuitive game interfaces and the complete lack of a tutorial? Then Darkfall is the game for you! It is every sadomasochist’s wet dream.

Darkfall has full looting with corpse retrieval. This means that when your character dies (which, if you’re me, happens every 10 minutes), a tombstone is left in your place that contains ALL of your equipment. Everything. Which can then be gleefully looted by any nearby player. Meanwhile, you resurrect at the nearest bind point wearing nothing but your skivvies and a interminable sense of shame.

Quickly realizing that I was more of a “gankEE” than a “gankER”, I decided to join a clan (guild) as a full-time crafter. Resource nodes in the game are unlimited. Essentially, if it’s a tree, you can chop it. If it’s a rock, you can mine it. But since the potential for being attacked and subsequently looted while chopping a tree is exceptionally high (The game hijacks the camera while harvesting a node, so you can’t see if someone sneaks up behind you. Because we all know that when you’re chopping wood, you lose your ability to turn your head. Right?) wearing any armor while doing so becomes impractical.

The end result? I spent an entire month hiding in remote areas of the game chopping wood. In my underpants.

At least they were clean.