Chopping Wood In Your Underpants

My mother always told me to wear clean underwear in case I needed to chop down trees.OK. Let’s just get this out of the way right now: I HATE PvP!

Yes, I realize that making this acknowledgment is akin to screaming at the top of your lungs, “I’m a giant pussy!” But I just don’t “get” PvP. It’s not fun for me. I simply have no desire to beat up other people and take their lunch money. I’d rather decorate my in-game house.

So what was I doing playing Darkfall, an MMO that hubristically bills itself as “THE player versus player” game? Who the hell knows? I’m easily lured by pretty in-game screen caps.

Here’s a short quiz for you: Did you bully the other kids on the playground in 5th grade? Do you secretly wish you could beat up people in the grocery store and steal their Twinkies? Do you enjoy painfully unintuitive game interfaces and the complete lack of a tutorial? Then Darkfall is the game for you! It is every sadomasochist’s wet dream.

Darkfall has full looting with corpse retrieval. This means that when your character dies (which, if you’re me, happens every 10 minutes), a tombstone is left in your place that contains ALL of your equipment. Everything. Which can then be gleefully looted by any nearby player. Meanwhile, you resurrect at the nearest bind point wearing nothing but your skivvies and a interminable sense of shame.

Quickly realizing that I was more of a “gankEE” than a “gankER”, I decided to join a clan (guild) as a full-time crafter. Resource nodes in the game are unlimited. Essentially, if it’s a tree, you can chop it. If it’s a rock, you can mine it. But since the potential for being attacked and subsequently looted while chopping a tree is exceptionally high (The game hijacks the camera while harvesting a node, so you can’t see if someone sneaks up behind you. Because we all know that when you’re chopping wood, you lose your ability to turn your head. Right?) wearing any armor while doing so becomes impractical.

The end result? I spent an entire month hiding in remote areas of the game chopping wood. In my underpants.

At least they were clean.

14 Responses to “Chopping Wood In Your Underpants”

  1. thegrinner says:

    I find the attraction in PvP to be the competition – I’m not just playing a game where I can watch a few hundred people with better equipment running around killing everything I need to advance. On the other hand, I can’t understand the interest in the type of PvP you’re describing. Who wants to get their stuff ganked whenever they die? There’s no attraction there.

  2. Rutskarn says:

    See, what have I been telling you guys since Cahmel 1? There is no basic task that is not easier and more fun when performed while wearing only a leather…diaper…thing.

    Seriously, though, is that thing even practical?

    • Leslee says:

      Practical? I’m not even sure what those leather strap things around her thighs and calves are suppose to be?

      Garter belts of +5 to wood chopping?

  3. Adam says:

    I’m an MMO PvPer to the core, but I wouldn’t touch Darkfall with a 10-foot pole.

  4. James Iry says:

    Those things around her thighs are garter belts. Somebody pick-pocketed the stockings while she wasn’t looking.

  5. The Magnificent Zhang says:

    I don’t wanna know where your Axe is kept in that getup 🙂

  6. Darkfall Admin says:

    You guys are all retarded, the reason you didn’t do good in darkfall is because you suck at it. There is no targeting system so it is 100% skill based and losing shit when you die goes both ways if you know how to kill rather then be killed, then you wouldn’t be such a failure.

    on the other hand there is no lvl’s in darkfall so even a player that started 3 weeks ago can kill a veteran if they have the “skill” to… not the “Skills” to. As for trees.. they are at every main city in a secure area away from pvp… mining ore and stone is also easy and safe… you only have to say oh so much before other people like me can realize you have no idea what you are talking about..

  7. […] I’ve mentioned in a previous post, I’m no fan of player-versus-player (PvP) combat in MMOs. According to the Bartle Test, I […]

  8. […] practice. (Did I mention that this game is PvP-centric with corpse looting? Yeah, it’s one of those.) He kindly offered to show me the way to the nearest city where I could purchase a torch from an […]

  9. Moridin says:

    @Darkfall admin: Calling other people retards sure is a good way to defend your position, isn’t it?

  10. kmc says:

    Haven’t there been a few instances of allegedly Darkfall-associated people (devs, &c.) posting poorly crafted, tunnel-visioned responses like this one? I hope that either that’s a poser or the employees of the companies involved in its production don’t list company stock among their benefits…

  11. kyllick says:

    I’m all for PvP but gear/xp loss based systems like Vanguard/PotBS/Darkfail/EVE make me wretch.

    20% of subscribers to these abominations are the ganker ‘elites’ who hang around in packs all day long, zerging the weak and running away from anything remotely resembling a fair fight; the other 80% are poor deluded fools who are afraid of losing some kind of imaginary reputation points if they admit they can’t stomach this kind of unbalanced ‘hardcore’ abuse.

    Showing off your amazing PvP skills is one thing, but demanding that your opponents be punished for losing smacks of sadism. If those 80% dropped already, the gankers/trolls would be left to face each other and the reality of a self-destructive game. It happened with PotBS actually, I was there…

  12. Haters Gon' Hate says:

    I had never heard of Darkfall until yesterday, when I stumbled upon the official site. It seems that all of these “Ganker elites” (you know, the ones with bad attitudes and hate towards actual people) that Kyllick mentioned demanded a forum specifically to hate on other games.
    I wound up reading the senseless complaints about why Halo Wars sucks (which I agree it isn’t the best game and may even be considered an insult to other RTS’s). Is that all Darkfall is? PvP assholes complaining about other games when they aren’t ganking people?

  13. Jeff D says:

    Hi, I realize this is not the right place to post this, but I picked one of the oldest posts on here so at least I wouldn’t be hijacking a thread of a still-active post. I wanted to thank you for being a kickstarter backer for The Gamers: Hands of Fate. No, I have nothing to do with the production, and didn’t even find out about it until a couple weeks ago. But I have been a huge fan of Gamers 2 for years. So, I decided to pick one name off the list in the credits pseudo-randomly and Google and thank that person if possible. I was delighted to come across this blog and learn that you, the name I picked at random, are an actual gamer. Thanks so much for the little part you played in bringing more wonderful geeky entertainment to the world!

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